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my answer:
dearest margot; i think the best thing is simply to wait and see what happens。 it cant be much longer before peter and i will have to decide whether to go back to the way we were or do some… thing else。 i dont know how itll turn out; i cant see any farther than the end of my nose。
but im certain of one thing: if peter and i do bee friends; im going to tell him youre also very fond of him and are prepared to help him if he needs you。 you wouldnt want me to; im sure; but i dont care; i dont know what peter thinks of you; but ill ask him when the time es。 its certainly nothing bad on the contrary! youre wele to join us in the attic; or wherever we are。 you wont be disturbing us; because we have an unspoken agreement to talk only in the evenings when its dark。
keep your spirits up! im doing my best; though its not always easy。 your time may e sooner than you think。
yours; anne
thursday; march 23; 1944
dearest kitty;
things are more or less back to normal here。 our coupon men have been released from prison; thank goodness!
mieps been back since yesterday; but today it was her husbands turn to take to his bed…chills and fever; the usual flu symptoms。 bep is better; though she still has a cough; and mr。 kleiman will have to stay home for a long time。
yesterday a plane crashed nearby。 the crew was able to parachute out in time。 it crashed on top of a school; but luckily there were no children inside。 there was a small fire and a couple of people were killed。 as the airmen made their descent; the germans sprayed them with bullets。 the amsterdammers who saw it seethed with rage at such a dastardly deed。 we…by which i mean the ladies…were also scared out of our wits。 brrr; i hate the sound of gunfire。
now about myself。
i was with peter yesterday and; somehow; i honestly dont know how; we wound up talking about sex。 id made up my mind a long time ago to ask him a few things。 he knows everything; when i said that margot and i werent very well informed; he was amazed。 i told him a lot about margot and me and mother and father and said that lately i didnt dare ask them anything。 he offered to enlighten me; and i gratefully accepted: he described how contraceptives work; and i asked him very boldly how boys could tell they were grown up。 he had to think about that one; he said hed tell me tonight。 i told him what had happened to jacque; and said that girls are defenseless against strong boys。 〃well; you dont have to be afraid of me;〃 he said。
when i came back that evening; he told me how it is with boys。 slightly embarrassing; but still awfully nice to be able to discuss it with him。 neither he nor i had ever imagined wed be able to talk so openly to a girl or a boy; respectively; about such intimate matters。 i think i know everything now。 he told me a lot about what he called prasentivmitteln* '* should be praservativmitteln: prophylactics' in german。
that night in the bathroom margot and i were talking about bram and trees; two friends of hers。
this morning i was in for a nasty surprise: after breakfast peter beckoned me upstairs。 〃that was a dirty trick you played on me;〃 he said。 〃i heard what you and margot were saying in the bathroom last night。 i think you just wanted to find out how much peter knew and then have a good laugh!鈥
i was stunned! i did everything i could to talk him out of that outrageous idea; i could understand how he must have felt; but it just wasnt true!
〃oh no; peter;〃 i said。 〃id never be so mean。 i told you i wouldnt pass on anything you said to me and i wont。 to put on an act like that and then deliberately be so mean。 。 。 no;peter; thats not my idea ofa joke。
it wouldnt be fair。 i didnt say anything; honest。 wont you believe me?〃 he assured me he did; but i think well have to talk about it again sometime。 ive done nothing all day but worry about it。 thank goodness he came right out and said what was on his mind。 imagine if hed gone around thinking i could be that mean。 hes so sweet!
now ill have to tell him everything!
yours; anne
friday; march 24; 1944
dear kitty;
i often go up to peters room after dinner nowadays to breathe in the fresh evening air。 you can get around to meaningful conversations more quickly in the dark than with the sun tickling your face。 its cozy and snug sitting beside him on a chair and looking outside。 the van daans and dussel make the silliest remarks when i disappear into his room。 〃annes zweite heimat;〃* '* annes second home' they say; or 〃is it proper for a gentleman to receive young girls in his room at night with the lights out?〃 peter has amazing presence of mind in the face of these so…called witticisms。 my mother; incidentally; is also bursting with curiosity and simply dying to ask what we talk about; only shes secretly afraid id refuse to answer。 peter says the grown…ups are just jealous because were young and that we shouldnt take their obnoxious ments to heart。
sometimes he es downstairs to get me; but thats awkward too; because in spite of all his precautions his face turns bright red and he can hardly get the words out of his mouth。 im glad i dont blush; it must be extremely unpleasant。
besides; it bothers me that margot has to sit downstairs all by herself; while im upstairs enjoying peters pany。 but what can i do about it? i wouldnt mind it if she came; but shed just be the odd one out; sitting there like a lump on a log。
ive had to listen to countless remarks about our sudden friendship。 i cant tell you how often the conversation at meals has been about an annex wedding; should the war last another five years。 do we take any notice of this parental chitchat? hardly; since its all so silly。 have my parents forgotten that they were young once? apparently they have。 at any rate; they laugh at us when were serious; and theyre serious when were joking。
i dont know whats going to happen next; or whether well run out of things to say。
but if it goes on like this; well eventually be able to be together without talking。 if only his parents would stop acting so strangely。 its probably because they dont like seeing me so often; peter and i certainly never tell them what we talk about。 imagine if they knew we were discussing such intimate things。
id like to ask peter whether he knows what girls look like down there。 i dont think boys are as plicated as girls。 you can easily see what boys look like in photographs or pictures of male nudes; but with women its different。 in women; the genitals; or whatever theyre called; are hidden between their legs。 peter has probably never seen a girl up close。 to tell you the truth; neither have i。 boys are a lot easier。
how on earth would i go about describing a girls parts? i can tell from what he said that he doesnt know exactly how it all fits together。 he was talking about the 〃muttermund;〃 '* cervix'; but thats on the inside; where you cant see it。 everythings pretty well arranged in us women。 until i was eleven or twelve; i didnt realize there was a second set of labia on the inside; since you couldnt see them。 whats even funnier is that i thought urine came out of the clitoris。 i asked mother one time what that little bump was; and she said she didnt know。 she can really play dumb when she wants to!
but to get back to the subject。 how on earth can you explain what it all looks like without any models?
shall i try anyway? okay; here goes!
when youre standing up; all you see from the front is hair。 between your legs there are two soft; cushiony things; also covered with hair; which press together when youre standing; so you cant see whats inside。 they separate when you sit down; and theyre very red and quite fleshy on the inside。 in the upper part; between the outer
labia; theres a fold of skin that; on second thought; looks like a kind of blister。 thats the clitoris。 then e the inner labia; which are also pressed together in a kind of crease。 when they open up; you can see a fleshy little mound; no bigger than the top of my thumb。 the upper part has a couple of small holes in it; which is where the urine es out。 the lower part looks as if it were just skin; and yet thats where the vagina is。 you can barely find it; because the folds o