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You think the table's there； but it isn't。 There isn't any table。〃
The first boy slapped his leg and lighted a cigarette。 〃I remember；〃
said he。 〃Amounts to this： If I were to stop thinking about you； you'd
evaporate。〃
〃Which is balls；〃 observed the second boy； judicially； again in the
slang of his period； 〃and can be proved so。 For you're not always
thinking about me； and I've never evaporated once。〃
The first boy； after a slight wink at the second； addressed the tutor。
〃Supposing you were to happen to forget yourself；〃 said he to that sleek
gentleman； 〃would you evaporate？〃
The tutor turned his little eyes doubtfully upon the tennis boys； but
answered； reciting the language of his notes： 〃The idealistic theory
does not apply to the thinking ego； but to the world of external
phenomena。 The world exists in our conception of it。
〃Then；〃 said the second boy； 〃when a thing is inconceivable？〃
〃It has no existence；〃 replied the tutor； complacently。
〃But a billion dollars is inconceivable；〃 retorted the boy。 〃No mind
can take in a sum of that size； but it exists。〃
〃Put that down！ put that down！〃 shrieked the other boy。 〃You've struck
something。 If we get Berkeley on the paper； I'll run that in。〃 He
wrote rapidly； and then took a turn around the room； frowning as he
walked。 〃The actuality of a thing；〃 said he； summing his clever
thoughts up； 〃is not disproved by its being inconceivable。 Ideas alone
depend upon thought for their existence。 There！ Anybody can get off
stuff like that by the yard。〃 He picked up a cork and a foot…rule；
tossed the cork； and sent it flying out of the window with the
foot…rule。
〃Skip Berkeley；〃 said the other boy。
〃How much more is there？〃
〃Necessary and accidental truths；〃 answered the tutor； reading the
subjects from his notes。 〃Hume and the causal law。 The duality； or
multiplicity； of the ego。〃
〃The hard…boiled ego；〃 commented the boy the ruler； and he batted a
swooping June…bug into space。
〃Sit down； idiot；〃 said his sprightly mate。〃
Conversation ceased。 Instruction went forward。 Their pencils worked。
The causal law； etc。； went into their condensed notes like Liebig's
extract of beef； and drops of perspiration continued to trickle from
their matted hair。
II
Bertie and Billy were sophomores。 They had been alive for twenty years；
and were young。 Their tutor was also a sophomore。 He too had been
alive for twenty years； but never yet had become young。 Bertie and
Billy had colonial names （Rogers； I think； and Schuyler）； but the
tutor's name was Oscar Maironi； and he was charging his pupils five
dollars an hour each for his instruction。 Do not think this excessive。
Oscar could have tutored a whole class of irresponsibles； and by that
arrangement have earned probably more； but Bertie and Billy had
preempted him on account of his fame or high standing and accuracy； and
they could well afford it。 All three sophomores alike had happened to
choose Philosophy 4 as one of their elective courses； and all alike were
now face to face with the Day of Judgment。 The final examinations had
begun。 Oscar could lay his hand upon his studious heart and await the
Day of Judgment likeI had nearly said a Christian！ His notes were
full： Three hundred pages about Zeno and Parmenides and the rest； almost
every word as it had come from the professor's lips。 And his memory was
full； too； flowing like a player's lines。 With the right cue he could
recite instantly： 〃An important application of this principle； with
obvious reference to Heracleitos； occurs in Aristotle； who says〃 He
could do this with the notes anywhere。 I am sure you appreciate Oscar
and his great power of acquiring facts。 So he was ready； like the wise
virgins of parable。 Bertie and Billy did not put one in mind of virgins：
although they had burned considerable midnight oil； it had not been to
throw light upon Philosophy 4。 In them the mere word Heracleitos had
raised a chill no later than yesterday；the chill of the unknown。 They
had not attended the lectures on the 〃Greek bucks。〃 Indeed； profiting
by their privilege of voluntary recitations； they had dropped in but
seldom on Philosophy 4。 These blithe grasshoppers had danced and sung
away the precious storing season； and now that the bleak hour of
examinations was upon them； their waked…up hearts had felt aghast at the
sudden vision of their ignorance。 It was on a Monday noon that this
feeling came fully upon them； as they read over the names of the
philosophers。 Thursday was the day of the examination。 〃Who's
Anaxagoras？〃 Billy had inquired of Bertie。 〃I'll tell you；〃 said
Bertie； 〃if you'll tell me who Epicharmos of Kos was。〃 And upon this
they embraced with helpless laughter。 Then they reckoned up the hours
left for them to learn Epicharmos of Kos in；between Monday noon and
Thursday morning at nine；and their quailing chill increased。 A tutor
must be called in at once。 So the grasshoppers； having money； sought
out and quickly purchased the ant。
Closeted with Oscar and his notes； they had； as Bertie put it； salted
down the early Greek bucks by seven on Monday evening。 By the same
midnight they had； as Billy expressed it； called the turn on Plato。
Tuesday was a second day of concentrated swallowing。 Oscar had taken
them through the thought of many centuries。 There had been
intermissions for lunch and dinner only； and the weather was exceedingly
hot。 The pale…skinned Oscar stood this strain better than the
unaccustomed Bertie and Billy。 Their jovial eyes had grown hollow
to…night； although their minds were going gallantly； as you have
probably noticed。 Their criticisms； slangy and abrupt； struck the
scholastic Oscar as flippancies which he must indulge； since the pay was
handsome。 That these idlers should jump in with doubts and questions
not contained in his sacred notes raised in him feelings betrayed just
once in that remark about 〃orriginal rresearch。〃
〃Nineteneleventwelve；〃 went the little timepiece； and Oscar rose。
〃Gentlemen；〃 he said； closing the sacred notes； 〃we have finished the
causal law。〃
〃That's the whole business except the ego racket； isn't it？〃 said Billy。
〃The duality； or multiplicity of the ego remains；〃 Oscar replied。
〃Oh； I know its name。 It ought to be a soft snap after what we've had。〃
〃Unless it's full of dates and names you've got to know；〃 said Bertie。
〃Don't believe it is；〃 Billy answered。 〃I heard him at it once。〃 （This
meant that Billy had gone to a lecture lately。） 〃It's all about Who am
I？ and How do I do it？〃 Billy added。
〃Hm！〃 said Bertie。 〃Hm！ Subjective and objective again； I suppose；
only applied to oneself。 You see； that table is objective。 I can stand
off and judge it。 It's outside of me； has nothing to do with me。 That's
easy。 But my opinion ofwell； mywell； anything in my nature〃
〃Anger when it's time to get up；〃 suggested Billy。
〃An excellent illustration；〃 said Bertie。 〃That is subjective in me。
Similar to your dislike of water as a beverage。 That is subjective in
you。 But here comes the twist。 I can think of my own anger and judge
it； just as if it were an outside thing； like a table。 I can compare it
with itself on different mornings or with other people's anger。 And I
trust that you can do the same with your thirst。〃
〃Yes；〃 said Billy； 〃I recognize that it is greater at times and less at
others。〃
〃Very well； There you are。 Duality of the ego。〃
〃Subject and object；〃 said Billy。 〃Perfectly true； and very queer when
you try to think of it。 Wonder how far it goes？ Of course； one can
explain the body's being an object to the brain inside it。 That's mind
and matter over again。 But when my own mind and thought； can become
objects to themselvesI wonder how far that does go？〃 he broke off
musingly。 〃What useless stuff！〃