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FIRST WOMAN
But there is one thing we don't think of。 If the Scythians drag
you away； what will you do？
PRAXAGORA
With my arms akimbo like this； I will never； never let myself be
taken round the middle。
FIRST WOMAN
If they seize you； we will bid them let you go。
SECOND WOMAN
That's the best way。 But how are we going to remember to lift
our arms in the Assembly when it's our legs we are used to lifting？
PRAXAGORA
It's difficult； yet it must be done； and the arm shown naked to
the shoulder in order to vote。 Quick now； put on these tunics and
these Laconian shoes； as you see the men do each time they go to the
Assembly or for a walk。 When this is done； fix on your beards； and
when they are arranged in the best way possible； dress yourselves in
the cloaks you have stolen from your husbands； finally start off；
leaning on your staffs and singing some old man's song as the
villagers do。
FIRST WOMAN
Well spoken； and let us hurry to get to the Pnyx before the
women from the country； for they will no doubt not fail to come there。
PRAXAGORA
Quick； quick； for it's the custom that those who are not at the
Pnyx early in the morning return home empty…handed。
（PRAXAGORA and the FIRST and SECOND WOMEN depart； those who are
left behind form the CHORUS。）
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Move forward； citizens； move forward； let us not forget to give
ourselves this name and may that of woman never slip out of our
mouths； woe to us； if it were discovered that we had laid such a
plot in the darkness of night。
CHORUS （singing）
Let us go to the Assembly then； fellow…citizens； for the
Thesmothetes have declared that only those who arrive at daybreak with
haggard eye and covered with dust； without having snatched time to eat
anything but a snack of garlic…pickle； shall alone receive the
triobolus。 Walk up smartly； Charitimides； Smicythus and Draces； and do
not fail in any point of your part； let us first demand our fee and
then vote for all that may perchance be useful for our partisans。。。。
Ah！ what am I saying？ I meant to say； for our fellow…citizens。 Let
us drive away these men of the city who used to stay at home and
chatter round the table in the days when only an obolus was paid；
whereas now one is stifled by the crowds at the Pnyx。 No！ during the
archonship of generous Myronides； none would have dared to let himself
be paid for the trouble he spent over public business； each one
brought his own meal of bread； a couple of onions； three olives and
some wine in a little wine…skin。 But nowadays we run here to earn
the three obols； for the citizen has become as mercenary as the
stonemason。
（The CHORUS marches away。 BLEPYRUS appears in the doorway of his
house； wearing PRAXAGORA's Persian sandals and saffron robe。）
BLEPYRUS
What does this mean？ My wife has vanished！ it is nearly daybreak
and she does not return！ I had to take a crap！ I woke up and hunted in
the darkness for my shoes and my cloak； but grope where I would； I
couldn't find them。 Meanwhile Mr。 O'Shit was already knocking on the
door and I had only just time to seize my wife's little mantle and her
Persian slippers。 But where shall I find a place where I can take a
crap？ Bah！ One place is as good as another at night…time； no one
will see me。 Ah！ what a damned fool I was to take a wife at my age；
and how I could thrash myself for having acted so stupidly！ It's
certainty she's not gone out for any honest purpose。 But the thing
to do now is to take a crap。
（He squats。）
A MAN （looking out of the window of the house next door）
Who's that？ Is that not my neighbour Blepyrus？ Why； yes； it's no
other。 Tell me； what's all that yellow about you？ Can it be Cinesias
who has befouled you so？
BLEPYRUS
No； no； I only slipped on my wife's tunic to come out in。
MAN
And where is your cloak？
BLEPYRUS
I cannot tell you； I hunted for it vainly on the bed。
MAN
And why did you not ask your wife for it？
BLEPYRUS
Ah！ why indeed！ because she is not in the house； she has run away；
and I greatly fear that she may be doing me an ill turn。
MAN
But； by Posidon； it's the same with myself。 My wife has
disappeared with my cloak； and what is still worse； with my shoes as
well； I cannot find them anywhere。
BLEPYRUS
Nor can I my Laconian ones； but as I urgently needed to crap； I
popped my feet into these slippers； so as not to soil my blanket；
which is brand new。
MAN
What does it mean？ Can some friend have invited her to a feast？
BLEPYRUS
I expect so； for she does not generally misconduct herself； as far
as I know。
MAN
What are you doing； making well…ropes？ Are you never going to be
done？ As for myself； I would like to go to the Assembly； and it is
time to start； but I've got to find my cloak； I have only one。
BLEPYRUS
I am going to have a look too； when I have finished crapping；
but I really think there must be a wild pear obstructing my rectum。
MAN
Is it the one which Thrasybulus spoke about to the Lacedaemonians？
BLEPYRUS
Oh！ oh！ oh！ stopped up I am！ Whatever am I to do？ It's not
merely for the present that I am frightened； but when I have eaten；
where is my crap to find an outlet now？ This damned McPear fellow
has bolted the door。 Call a doctor； but who is the cleverest in this
branch of the science？ Amynon？ Perhaps he would not come。 Ah！
Antisthenes！ Let him be brought to me； cost what it will。 To judge
by his noisy sighs； that man knows what an arse wants； when it needs
to crap。 Oh！ venerated Ilithyia！ I shall burst unless the door gives
way。 Have pity！ pity！ Let me not become a thunder…mug for the comic
poets。
（Enter CHREMES； returning from the Assembly。）
CHREMES
Hi！ friend； what are you doing there？ You're not crapping； are
you？
BLEPYRUS （finding relief at last）
Oh！ there！ it is over and I can get up again。
CHREMES
What's this？ You have your wife's tunic on。
BLEPYRUS
It was the first thing that came to my hand in the darkness。 But
where are you coming from？
CHREMES
From the Assembly。
BLEPYRUS
Is it already over then？
CHREMES
Certainly。
BLEPYRUS
Why； it is scarcely daylight。
CHREMES
I did laugh； ye gods； at the vermilion rope…marks that were to
be seen all about the Assembly。
BLEPYRUS
Did you get the triobolus？
CHREMES
Would it had so pleased the gods！ but I arrived just too late； and
am quite ashamed of it； I bring back nothing but this empty wallet。
BLEPYRUS
But why is that？
CHREMES
There was a crowd； such as has never been seen at the Pnyx； and
the folk looked pale and wan； like so many shoemakers； so white were
they in hue； both I and many another had to go without the triobolus。
BLEPYRUS
Then if I went now； I should get nothing。
CHREMES
No； certainly not； nor even had you gone at the second cock…crow。
BLEPYRUS
Oh！ what a misfortune！ 〃Oh； Antilochus！ no triobolus！ Even death
would be better！ I am undone！〃 But what can have attracted such a
crowd at that early hour？
CHREMES
The Prytanes started the discussion of measures closely concerning
the safety of the state； immediately； that blear…eyed fellow； the
son of Neoclides； was the first to mount the platform。 Then the folk
shouted with their loudest voice； 〃What！ he dares to speak； and
that； too； when the safety of the state is concerned； and he a man who
has not known how to save even his own eyebrows！〃 He； however； shouted
louder than all of them； and looking at them asked； 〃Why； what ought I
to have done？〃
BLEPYRUS
Pound together garlic and laserpitium juice； add to this mixture
some Laconian spurge； and rub it well into the eyel