按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
Here there were two children on the stage。 Some grown…up people
were standing round them listening； in respectful attitudes； while the
children talked。 They appeared to be lecturing about something。
Again we fled； swearing； and made our way to a third theater。 They
were all children there。 It was somebody or other's Children's Company
performing an opera； or pantomime； or something of that sort。
Our friend said he would not venture into another theater。 He said he
had heard there were places called music…halls； and he begged us to take
him to one of these and not to tell his wife。
37
… Page 38…
STAGE…LAND。
We inquired of a policeman and found that there really were such
places； and we took him into one。
The first thing we saw were two little boys doing tricks on a horizontal
bar。
Our friend was about to repeat his customary programme of flying and
cursing； but we restrained him。 We assured him that he would really see
a grown…up person if he waited a bit； so he sat out the boys and also their
little sister on a bicycle and waited for the next item。
It turned out to be an infant phenomenon who sang and danced in
fourteen different costumes； and we once more fled。
Our friend said he could not go home in the state he was then； he felt
sure he should kill the twins if he did。 He pondered for awhile； and then
he thought he would go and hear some music。 He said he thought a little
music would soothe and ennoble himmake him feel more like a Christian
than he did at that precise moment。
We were near St。 James' Hall； so we went in there。
The hall was densely crowded； and we had great difficulty in forcing
our way to our seats。 We reached them at length； and then turned our
eyes toward the orchestra。
〃The marvelous boy pianistonly ten years old！〃 was giving a recital。
Then our friend rose and said he thought be would give it up and go
home。
We asked him if he would like to try any other place of amusement；
but he said 〃No。〃 He said that when you came to think of it； it seemed a
waste of money for a man with eleven children of his own to go about to
places of entertainment nowadays。
38
… Page 39…
STAGE…LAND。
THE COMIC LOVERS。
Oh； they are funny！ The comic lovers' mission in life is to serve as a
sort of 〃relief〃 to the misery caused the audience by the other characters in
the play； and all that is wanted now is something that will be a relief to the
comic lovers。
They have nothing to do with the play； but they come on immediately
after anything very sad has happened and make love。 This is why we
watch sad scenes on the stage with such patience。 We are not eager for
them to be got over。 Maybe they are very uninteresting scenes； as well as
sad ones； and they make us yawn； but we have no desire to see them
hurried through。 The longer they take the better pleased we are： we
know that when they are finished the comic lovers will come on。
They are always very rude to each other； the comic lovers。
Everybody is more or less rude and insulting to every body else on the
stage； they call it repartee there！ We tried the effect of a little stage
〃repartee〃 once upon some people in real life； and we wished we hadn't
afterward。 It was too subtle for them。 They summoned us before a
magistrate for 〃using language calculated to cause a breach of the peace。〃
We were fined 2 pounds and costs！
They are more lenient to 〃wit and humor〃 on the stage； and know how
to encourage the art of vituperation。 But the comic lovers carry the
practice almost to excess。 They are more than rudethey are abusive。
They insult each other from morning to night。 What their married life
will be like we shudder to think！
In the various slanging matches and bullyragging competitions which
form their courtship it is always the maiden that is most successful。
Against her merry flow of invective and her girlish wealth of offensive
personalities the insolence and abuse of her boyish adorer cannot stand for
one moment。
To give an idea of how the comic lovers woo； we perhaps cannot do
better than subjoin the following brief example：
_SCENE： Main thoroughfare in populous district of London。 Time：
39
… Page 40…
STAGE…LAND。
Noon。 Not a soul to be seen anywhere。_ _Enter comic loveress R。；
walking in the middle of the road。_ _Enter comic lover L。； also walking
in the middle of the road。_ _They neither see the other until they bump
against each other in the center。_ HE。 Why； Jane！ Who'd a' thought o'
meeting you here！
SHE。 You evidently didn'tstoopid！
HE。 Halloo！ got out o' bed the wrong side again？ I say； Jane； if you
go on like that you'll never get a man to marry you。
SHE。 So I thought when I engaged myself to you。
HE。 Oh！ come； Jane； don't be hard。
SHE。 Well； one of us must be hard。 You're soft enough。
HE。 Yes； I shouldn't want to marry you if I weren't。 Ha！ ha！ ha！
SHE。 Oh； you gibbering idiot！ （_Said archly。_）
HE。 So glad I am。 We shall make a capital match （_attempts to kiss
her_）。
SHE （_slipping away_）。 Yes； and you'll find I'm a match that can
strike （_fetches him a violent blow over the side if the head_）。
HE （_holding his jawin a literal sense； we mean_）。 I can't help
feeling smitten by her。
SHE。 Yes； I'm a bit of a spanker； ain't I？
HE。 Spanker。 I call you a regular stunner。 You've nearly made me
silly。
SHE （_laughing playfully_）。 No； nature did that for you； Joe； long
ago。
HE。 Ah； well； you've made me smart enough now； you boss…eyed old
cow； you！
SHE。 Cow！ am I？ Ah； I suppose that's what makes me so fond of a
calf； you German sausage on legs！ You
HE。 Go along。 Your mother brought you up on sour milk。
SHE。 Yah！ They weaned you on thistles； didn't they？
And so on； with such like badinage do they hang about in the middle
of that road； showering derision and contumely upon each other for full
ten minutes； when； with one culminating burst of mutual abuse； they go
off together fighting and the street is left once more deserted。
40
… Page 41…
STAGE…LAND。
It is very curious； by the bye； how deserted all public places become
whenever a stage character is about。 It would seem as though ordinary
citizens sought to avoid them。 We have known a couple of stage villains
to have Waterloo Bridge； Lancaster Place； and a bit of the Strand entirely
to themselves for nearly a quarter of an hour on a summer's afternoon
while they plotted a most diabolical outrage。
As for Trafalgar Square； the hero always chooses th