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beneath his bosom suggest that people like that should pay for their rest
and washing？ The comic man is shocked at his wife for even thinking of
such a thing； and the end of it is that Mr。 and Mrs。 Hero live there for the
rest of the play rent free； coals； soap； candles； and hair…oil for the child
being provided for them on the same terms。
The hero raises vague and feeble objections to this arrangement now
and again。 He says he will not hear of such a thing； that he will stay no
longer to be a burden upon these honest folk； but will go forth unto the
roadside and there starve。 The comic man has awful work with him； but
wins at last and persuades the noble fellow to stop on and give the place
another trial。
When； a morning or so after witnessing one of these beautiful scenes；
our own landlady knocks at our door and creates a disturbance over a
paltry matter of three or four weeks' rent； and says she'll have her money
or out we go that very day； and drifts slowly away down toward the
kitchen； abusing us in a rising voice as she descends； then we think of
these things and grow sad。
It is the example of the people round him that makes the comic man so
generous。 Everybody is generous on the stage。 They are giving away
their purses all day long； that is the regulation 〃tip〃 on the stageone's
purse。 The moment you hear a tale of woe； you grab it out of your
pocket； slap it in to the woe…er's palm； grip his hand； dash away a tear； and
exit； you don't even leave yourself a 'bus fare home。 You walk back
quickly and get another purse。
Middle…class people and others on the stage who are short of purses
have to content themselves with throwing about rolls of bank…notes and
tipping servants with five…pound checks。 Very stingy people on the stage
have been known to be so cussed mean as to give away mere sovereigns。
But they are generally only villains or lords that descend to this sort of
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thing。 Respectable stage folk never offer anything less than a purse。
The recipient is very grateful on receiving the purse （he never looks
inside） and thinks that Heaven ought to reward the donor。 They get a lot
of work out of Heaven on the stage。 Heaven does all the odd jobs for
them that they don't want to go to the trouble and expense of doing for
themselves。 Heaven's chief duty on the stage is to see to the repayment
of all those sums of money that are given or lent to the good people。 It is
generally requested to do this to the tune of a 〃thousand…fold〃an
exorbitant rate when you come to think of it。
Heaven is also expected to take care that the villain gets properly
cursed； and to fill up its spare time by bringing misfortune upon the local
landlord。 It has to avenge everybody and to help all the good people
whenever they are in trouble。 And they keep it going in this direction。
And when the hero leaves for prison Heaven has to take care of his
wife and child till he comes out； and if this isn't a handful for it； we don't
know what would be！
Heaven on the stage is always on the side of the hero and heroine and
against the police。
Occasionally； of late years； the comic man has been a bad man； but
you can't hate him for it。 What if he does ruin the hero and rob the
heroine and help to murder the good old man？ He does it all in such a
genial； light…hearted spirit that it is not in one's heart to feel angry with
him。 It is the way in which a thing is done that makes all the difference。
Besides； he can always round on his pal； the serious villain； at the end；
and that makes it all right。
The comic man is not a sportsman。 If he goes out shooting； we know
that when he returns we shall hear that he has shot the dog。 If he takes
his girl out on the river he upsets her （literally we mean）。 The comic man
never goes out for a day's pleasure without coming home a wreck。
If he merely goes to tea with his girl at her mother's； he swallows a
muffin and chokes himself。
The comic man is not happy in his married life； nor does it seem to us
that he goes the right way to be so。 He calls his wife 〃his old Dutch
clock；〃 〃the old geyser；〃 and such like terms of endearment； and addresses
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STAGE…LAND。
her with such remarks as 〃Ah； you old cat；〃 〃You ugly old nutmeg grater；〃
〃You orangamatang； you！〃 etc。； etc。
Well； you know that is not the way to make things pleasant about a
house。
Still； with all his faults we like the comic man。 He is not always in
trouble and he does not make long speeches。
Let us bless him。
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THE LAWYER。
He is very old； and very long； and very thin。 He has white hair。 He
dresses in the costume of the last generation but seven。 He has bushy
eyebrows and is clean shaven。 His chin itches considerably； so that he
has to be always scratching it。 His favorite remark is 〃Ah！〃
In real life we have heard of young solicitors； of foppish solicitors； of
short solicitors； but on the stage they are always very thin and very old。
The youngest stage solicitor we ever remember to have seen looked about
sixtythe oldest about a hundred and forty…five。
By the bye； it is never very safe to judge people's ages on the stage by
their personal appearance。 We have known old ladies who looked
seventy； if they were a day； turn out to be the mothers of boys of fourteen；
while the middle…aged husband of the young wife generally gives one the
idea of ninety。
Again； what appears at first sight to be a comfortable…looking and
eminently respectable elderly lady is often discovered to be； in reality； a
giddy； girlish； and inexperienced young thing； the pride of the village or
the darling of the regiment。
So； too； an exceptionally stout and short…winded old gentleman； who
looks as if he had been living too well and taking too little exercise for the
last forty…five years； is not the heavy father； as you might imagine if you
judged from mere external evidence； but a wild； reckless boy。
You would not think so to look at him； but his only faults are that he is
so young and light…headed。 There is good in him； however； and he will
no doubt be steady enough when he grows up。 All the young men of the
neighborhood worship him and the girls love him。
〃Here he comes；〃 they say； 〃dear； dear old JackJack； the darling boy…
…the headstrong youthJack； the leader of our juvenile sportsJack； whose
childish innocence wins all hearts。 Three cheers for dancing； bright…eyed
Jack！〃
On the other hand； ladies with the complexion of eighteen are； you
learn as the story progresses； quite elderly women； the mothers of middle…
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